Gawker makes no more decisions. It’s so fucking awesome.

In retrospect, it probably would have been easier for Lochte to tell his mom he was balls deep into a cheap hooker. That’s her boy, after all.

Unless, you know, it actually did happen ...

Hey, if Craggs gets into the Hall of Fame after needlessly outing a bisexual ad exec (of a competitor!) with three middle school kids, I have to think it gives Hitler some hope for next year ...

Black Swimmers Matter

Peter Thiel is 1,000x better than the no-talent, piece of shit parasite you are. Hope you and all your talentless motherfucker collegues enjoy unemployment next week after the new regime pisses all over your joke of a union (which you sick, German porn loving fucks will probably actually enjoy.)

So, he’s saying if Alex Ariza ever steps foot in the Philippines again, he’ll be hanged?

I’d settle for an oral history of some of Jezebel’s staff ...

Donald Trump, like 99.999999% of the world, doesn’t know what the fuck an “Iron Mike Gallego” is, no less give a shit what you say. You make Trump look less like the colossal douchebag he is, which is quite a feat.

All sports should be contested in the same Rio storm drain runoff. Why should only a lucky few contract polio-laced Ebola?

This is one instance where I would say to volunteer to get experience. There is a massive shortage of good copy editors out there (I mean, shit, look at this site!). If you can demonstrate skill and back it up with experience, you can make some decent coin, especially if you do it as a side gig. Also, buy an AP…

Hacks gonna be hacks ...

Fuck that. The greatest finisher of all time is Steroids, followed in a close second by the Wicked Chair Shot to the Head.

And as virile a man as has ever played the game ...

Nope. Just seconds later, they built a wall around him (and made him pay for it!)

Didn’t journalism die on his first day in a newsroom?

Have the upcoming Shit Rowing and Shit Sailing competitions become the most must-see Olympic events of all time?

What, you fucking Simmons? Or Jacko, or J-Bug or whatever the fuck imaginary friends he has?

I have the same model. It’s pretty incredible. Previously, I was never able to make perfect rice — I’d always screw it up or just settle for instant rice. Now, it’s virtually impossible to not make perfect rice. Even at its high price, it’s a bargain.

If you want to write about somebody doing something shady, I don’t think you have to even leave the office (until the new owners lay you off on Day 1 of the new regime).