...well this is awkward.

In that case, my dentist has got some 'splainin to do.

What the bloody hell does it matter if there was actually anything coming out of her vagina at that moment?

One time I was changing the razor head out of my kicking rad new Mach 3 when my phone rang. Being an adept multitasker, I answered the phone with the hand that was holding the razor. Fidgeted a little, shifted the phone around, had a conversation, hung up and looked in the mirror. Then looked back at the hand holding…

Doe says the guard squatted at the level of her pelvic area and looked at her until she was satisfied that she was menstruating.

That sounds reasonable.

Less fun, but reasonable.

This is almost as embarrassing as when you serve your friends a huge, expensive, 4-hour, multi-course dinner then invite your all dinner guests to visit your Swarovski crystal vomitorium for a pre-dessert purge and everyone looks at you like they have no idea what you're talking about.

BOY WAS MY FACE RED.

Is this different than the kind used in dentist's offices that makes people hallucinate and trip balls?

Because I'm not sure if I want my labor experience to consist of hours of trying to grab at nurses' pretty rainbow wings and laughing hysterically through the birth then screaming "THAT BABY'S LOOKIN AT ME…

Honestly, WTF? Who are you, pledgesister, my 98-year-old Sicilian neighbor?

Crossing my fingers for "Lindsay Lohan impersonator/professional celeb lookalike"

Nun robes would be a great way to hide a pregnancy. Noted for future use.

What do nuns wear under those habits, anyway? Besides their "Bun In The Oven" tank tops and super high rise elastic waist maternity underwear, I mean.

I knew these (safe for work) gifs of porn actress Brittaney Starr would come in handy one day...

Haha, your grandma keeps it real. Mine try to say I was not as cute as my sisters but was "still adorable, all babies are adorable". Sorry, nope. Just admit I was fug, it's OK.

No idea why that picture of baby George exists! Was going to just post a pic of him from Seinfeld then I saw that and it was perfect.

Same. I was so very ugly. Photos of me look exactly like a wrinkly George Costanza. Same hair and everything. Like this (but without glasses):







I grew up to have less wrinkly skin and my hair eventually filled in by age 5 sooooo.... improvement?

I thought Oxy didn't have acetaminophen (jesus christ if i have to type that stupid word out one more time i might scream) and it was vicodin/percocet that were more harmful to the liver?

Honestly have no idea, the only experience I have with opioids is buying some Tylenol with Codeine pills in Canada because it is…

"Don't worry too much about the opioids though, because there's also a lot of acetaminophen in these pills. That's the shit that will kill you."

Right? Really harshing my buzz with this.

Gonna have to drive to Canada and pick up some more over-the-counter codeine medications ASAP. Sounds like the opioids in USA are way too dangerous.

Wasn't Brooke Shields a baby model for Ivory Soap or something? We all know how that ended. Last I heard, she had booked a gig playing Quasimodo at Disneyland.

Seriously though, the original Gerber baby is a super cute old woman. Don't know what she looked like between the ages of 1 and 84 but I'd still pinch this…

That would be like me telling someone: "I just wanted to warn you that traffic is fine today!" It's not a warning.

Maybe it's kind of psychosomatic? Like he's actually allergic to red dye and learned that it made him ill, now everything red coloured gets puked up (as a subconscious self preservation mechanism or out of habit).

Don't know why, but I'm very fascinated with this kid and his red vomit!