I’m the opposite. I can’t stand Coors light. If I drink Coors light I get a headache. If I drink the same amount of Miller Lite, no headache. Maybe it’s psychosomatic, maybe it’s not. But I avoid it whenever I can.

“Gary why? Gary why?”

This is it exactly. I have only ever thrown up on one dick, and after I cleaned everything up he insisted on trying to keep going. I was like no, nature has spoken, this is the end of the line, dude.

Nike and the University of Oregon are way, WAY too cozy as well. As much as I like seeing them win (Go Ducks) I’ve learned to loathe the way my alma mater has become a mere shill for a second-rate sports equipment marketer.

Jason Whitlock: I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you.

What’s the next step, a sprinter’s head in Mackey’s bed?

It would help a lot if women knew how to have conversations too.

I feel like Lambert’s Café needs to change its name to "Ow Bon Pain" after this incident.

Had conversation with a woman... ended up married. 0/10 would not converse again.

As an American, on one hand I think that no Olympian in this day and age should be forced to swim with pieces of shit, but on the other hand Ryan Lochte is one of our better relay swimmers.

Caller to 911: My friend just got shot and he’s unconscious! We need an ambulance!

No, I really don’t think it can be.

I’d call this the worst case of a guy with an unpronounceable name destroying a Jet in New York, but…well, you know.

Uh WalterPeck, yes. Sugar is absolutely a preservative.

Roll Triglycerides!

Actually, that’s an R34 Skyline GT-R

Do you have some kind of social disability? I just want to know who I’m dealing with here before I tell you how sad of a person you are.

I really thought I might be done with the NFL finally. But these previews are the goddamned best. I’m gonna steal my neighbor’s cable and/or go to bars to catch pieces of games just so I can revel in this shit again next year.