“he told me the bible says its okay to poop in your hand then eat it but i’m not allowed to read so idk”

“sometimes I take a poop in my hand and then eat it”

He has a face that looks like the result of Gary Shandling mating with a pig.

Jim Bob is asking Jesus for advice right now, and Jesus is all

Do you remember when sex was hot and a handy-J cost a penny-farthing?

I’m actually so happy she gave a specific number for how much she weights. I know the number isn’t supposed to matter, and two people who weigh the same thing can look very different, but I feel like I’m constantly hearing about women who weigh 135 and want to lose 5 or 10 more lbs and it makes me sick. I just saw Amy…

Sounds like it was either anaphylaxis or accidentally injecting into a vein/artery.

Mallory Ortberg is the shit. If she thinks dude should be gone, I’m glad dude is gone. End of story.

You're a genius. Some engineer needs to start working on a way to make this happen immediately. We can call it the cunt pump.

Fuck fired, he needs to be charged criminally. This isn’t going stop unless we start charging malicious false arrests as what they are. Dude is a kidnapper.

Guys, come on. If you just do what a cop tells you, you’ll be fine!

You’re supposed to hold it

clit/brown/taint-area

look into the taint area of ur heart...and u will discover the most magical playground

On my first deployment, we stopped (as we pretty much always do) at Shannon Airport, where there is this tiny, restricted area for american citizens flying through. It has a tiny coffee bar, and a LARGE gift shop, for your unique irish crystal, chocolate and Guinness gifts. It was made pretty clear that no one would…

You don’t want to see my review for the Alamo. God, that basement!

Objectively, I can see this looks terrible. But Emma Stone, as a spunky pilot, in hollywood tailored flightsuits and uniforms? It’s like they know my kryptonite.

You want to be a part of society?

I don’t know, my vacations aren’t frivolous. I NEED them.

I have officially started a Jolie Kerr tribute band called Vinegar is Magic. I will be performing in my shower daily, singing nothing but the refrain of “So Fresh So Clean” by Outkast over and over again.