“Three or four years ago, a year or so after Wreck It Ralph came out and before A Million Ways to Die In the West came out,”

Newt is the living embodiment of what stupid people think a smart person sounds like.

This really isn’t a bad story, but more a funny one. In my line of work I have to ID and talk to everyone that comes through my lane.

You sure it wasn’t Tom Hanks?

He’s really pretentious. I was on a James Joyce tour of Dublin with him earlier this year and he 1) tried to one-up the tour guide at every turn (although he was never really successful, because all his ‘surprise facts’ were well-known) and 2) brought an even more annoying friend along who did the same thing.

A few months before Andrew Brietbart died I saw him at a popular DC bar, and by virtue of simply being in the same room as me, he was a a huge dick. My biggest regret in life was not giving him the finger. Now he’s dead and I’ll never get the chance.

On the flipside, I shared an elevator with Gabriel Byrne and Ralph Fiennes in Toronto. They got on a couple floors after me and politely asked me if I could get out and catch the next one so they could finish their conversation. Happy to oblige!

I didn’t witness this firsthand, but a girl I know claims that Matt Stafford accidentally spilled an entire pitcher of beer on her at a party at UGA. In lieu of an apology, he calmly explained, “Hey, it’s okay. I’m Matt Stafford,” then walked away.

My ex and I used to live in Goleta, a little town adjacent to Santa Barbara, where a hell of a lot of famous folks have second homes to get away from LA. I never particularly cared about celebrities, so being super stoked in their presence has never been a thing, and my ex was the same. I think the closest I ever came…

Andre Braugher came into the ice cream store where I worked as a kid, and ordered a chocolate milkshake. Made it for him, and he took it and left.

They can fuck right off with that noise.

I was at a Michael Chabon book signing for this book “The Final Solution.” I was a big fan of his books and I also knew that he did some work on both Spider-Man 1 and 2 (Raimi versions) and X-Men. I figured everybody would be asking book questions (a bunch of dumb English Lit major questions generally about his…

I’m Jon Hamm

Think I’ve told this one before, but back when the Vancouver Grizzlies existed Michael Jordan walked into a bike shop that a family friend owned while Chicago was in town. He picked out some expensive mountain bike and his handler came to the family friend and said “Michael Jordan wants this bike”, after telling him…

I was waiting tables at a fairly ok restaurant in Evanson, IL that had a movie theater above it. They did the premiere for some small-budget Paul Reiser-Columbo movie, The Thing About My Folks. Paul is sitting on the patio with three or four other people. In the course of the meal, customers more or less leave him…

I wrote sports for a news paper and asshole athletes far outweighted the nice guys. My two standout nice guys: Walter Payton and Michael Jordan. Yeah, Jordan, really.

In college, Newt Gingrich came to my school to speak. He visited my class, which focused on the UN and the history of NGOs and IGOs. We got into a discussion about Iran and he rambled on about how they hate us because they hate modernity. I raised my hand to point out that there is probably still asked degree of…

When I was a younger man, I lived in Charlotte. On occasion I’d do as some 23 year olds do and go to a gentleman’s club. One particular establishment was called the Diamond Club. On the evening in question, my friends and I were enjoying our time there and lo and behold, we find out from the dancers that Jon Bon…

I was alone in an elevator with Ruth Bader Ginsburg and she farted. I was going to ignore it like a gentleman when she said “woah did somebody step on a duck.” We both laughed and she turned to me and said “no one will ever believe you if you tell this again.” She is one wise lady.

I was on Jeopardy! once about two years ago. And Alex Trebek was cool enough to us and everyone but he’s all business and seen everything at this point. The studio audience is made up of shut-ins they bus out there, school classes on a field trip and friends/family of contestants. During breaks in play, Alex fields…