I chose the safest, most effective method of birth control I could possibly use, and it’s FREE. I joined the Republican Party. I will undoubtedly never get laid again...

The house band of Cringe.

Even their crocodile tears didn’t save the stooges, but we’ll see if the people who pulled their strings face any consequences at all. Does Trump pardon these people when he gets re-elected? Our political system looks more like Pro Wrestling every day.

“Jar of olive salad”? Doesn’t this sort of scream for a recipe? Mine includes several types of olives, lots of fresh parsley/thyme/oregano/basil (preferably fresh), lemon juice, olive oil, shallot, and pickled sweet cherry peppers (ditch all those seeds, though), all processed into a thick paste. 

For wood, the right color of crayon can work wonders. 

I submit that if you plan to be gone long enough for something of this nature to be an issue, the best move would be to empty your fridge and freezer before you go. Is saving a few dollars really worth risking your life?  

We’re supposed to accept this nonsense as an alternative to paying people a decent wage, while the CEO lives like a feudal Lord. I, for one, refuse to comply. If they insist, I will simply shop elsewhere.

ARM THE FETUSES! IT’S THEIR SECOND AMENDMENT RIGHT!

Somebody forgot to plug him in again?

The same could be said for its “creator”.

They’ve always had a DICK.

Not a good one. He would have known to use ghee if he were.

Put that thing in your pocket, wash your hands, and don’t pull it back out of your pocket until you’re done eating. Do you know how DIRTY phones are? 

Sure. They’ve convinced a shit-ton of white people to vote against their own self-interests, so the only way to expand their “base” would have to involve some more Kool Aid. That said, I tend to think that the average non-Caucasian is too savvy to fall for that kind of shit. 

“When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.” -Friedrich Nietzsche

Someone once said that the best sign that you got too drunk the night before is waking up with an erection in your hand, and discovering that it is not yours...

The key to grilled pork is LET IT REST. 

“See”? It’s all in the FINGER. You poke the meat, and the way it squishes (or doesn’t) tells you how done it is. What, you cut into stuff you’re cooking? Do you think the pros do that? For the record, I used to work the grill all the time, not generally by my choice. I’ll take saute or even garde manger any day. Much…

Over 25,000 Americans have died from gun violence so far THIS YEAR. That’s about 118 EVERY DAY.

No amount of whitewash can cover up what the Extreme Court has done to this country. She’s just showing us all the true depths of her evil.