What’s your real personality? I assume this is just a side personality, because you can’t be making a living with it.

I really hate the whole Amiibo thing.

I would support this if they confiscated all cell phones at the same time. People could collect their devices when they left and not ruin the damn movie for people that actually want to watch it instead of fondling their electronics.

I don’t get it. Times Square seems like an absolute nightmare to me, but the thing I’d be least annoyed by is boobs. Boobs make any situation better... something the ad industry has know for ages.

Governor Cuomo doesn’t like looking at boobs. What a boob!

Well, he ain’t not gunna let no durn mooslum shoot him, take away ‘Murcan jurbs. Iffn anybody’s gunna shoot him, he’ll do it his own self, freedumb-style!

Gun nuts think of the first part of the second amendment the way they think of tonsils—it’s there, but something to be ignored until it can be removed. And then they get ice cream!

If a lady takes the trouble to seduce me, I’ll happily (and probably with a slightly goofy smile plastered to my face) make the sandwich for her afterwards. But I’m a liberal, so it’ll be a godless heathen divorce-causing sandwich. With pickles, though.

My last name sounds like a noise one would make after eating bad gumbo. If I find a lady to marry with a less awful last name I’d be happy to take it. Heck, I’ll change my first name if she offers me a better one.

How was I being hostile, now? I was pointing out why this obnoxious customer was being obnoxious. I don’t discount anybody’s food preferences—I have my own. I’m a lifelong vegetarian, and while it has gotten easier in recent years, it still requires a great deal of vigilance on my part. I don’t order steak, but demand…

I do not understand people who are rude to their servers. Even if you can’t treat someone with a basic level of civility just because that’s what decent human beings do, you do not mess with people who have access to your food. Especially in a traditional restaurant situation where they have accessed to your food out…

Being rude to a server and expecting them to change the fundamental nature of reality by bringing food that is grilled but simultaneously not grilled (Heisenberg’s chicken?) is special snowflakey. If you don’t like the taste or smell or textures of something don’t order it.

Unfunny guy and other unfunny guy have unfunny beef.

I’ll chime in with a male perspective. It is obvious to anyone that has a mouth that giving a BJ can be difficult and uncomfortable. I’ve never done it, but I can interpolate this because it’s pretty fucking obvious. I’ve gagged on a toothbrush before, and most dicks are thicker than a toothbrush.

Bars/nightclubs. It’s dark and loud and crowded and there are lots of drunk people being annoying. Give me a drink in a nice quiet place where I can hear the person I’m talking to or my own thoughts.

Filling out a basic framework for dissolution should be required for marriage, like the license is. Hopefully you’ll never have to use it, but it’s best to figure out what’s fair while you’re still getting along.

So British. I imagined the conversation between the farmer and driver in the pond going something like this:

Now I’m sitting here looking at my plain old boring bread, just lying there and not hurtling at me at high speeds. There’s no excitement, no flair, no potential for grievous injury.

I sometimes ask my server if there’s anything on the menu with extra gluten.

“You can’t be allergic to a small spectrum of light wavelengths.”