I remember, after I got my outback, dreams of mods dancing in my head. reading an article about how most of the mods people make to their outbacks- aggressive tires, lifts, bull bars, light bars, jerry can mounts, tubular bumpers, tubuar agressive looking racks to hang stuuff off- just tend to change your outback into…

All the modifications in the world are not going to change that fact that you have 2 weeks of vacation and they’re already booked out for a family vacation, the nearest race track is 6 hours away and where you live, there is no wilderness camping or rock crawling or BLM land anywhere near where you live.

OK, hear me out: the Subaru Outback.

The Toyota Prius. Honestly they did it once and you still see prius V’s around but with the new look this could be a less awkward looking and even more practical.

Honorable mention because they never actually made a video for it, but Chuck’s Olds 98 from Public Enemy’s “you’re gonna get yours”- “lookin’ like the car the Green Hornet had”

Damnit. Beat me to it on Red Fang.

I mean, sportsball players get fines all the time for swearing at the wrong time. Like in a filmed press conference. Right after your sport’s governing body has said “enough with the sailor talk boys.”

Fun fact for the fine folks of Michigan- as sea levels rise and climates warm, get ready for a bunch of rich folks to move to your most picturesque spots, jack up the prices and price you right out of your home and then call you unamerican for daring to be poor in their presence.

So the death spiral conservatives are putting us in is:

You’d be surprised. My car came with assists that I never thought I’d want but damn, auto-braking is kinda nice, lane centering is kinda nice, adaptive cruise is the greatest thing ever... none of them are designed to let you not pay attention, they’re supposed to be assists. Kinda like ABS- 99% of the time you don’t…

I’ve got a 2017 with some pretty basic assists- adaptive cruise, lane centering, automatic braking and blind spot monitoring.

But that’s just a thing that happens. Call it payback for rural votes essentially counting more than urban votes.

That’s just the one that got them in trouble with the federal government. Cost cutting is totally normal and cost-benefit analysis is standard practice but at a certain point, and when that point is people smashing out windows with a rock because it’s the only way to save a kid, it becomes a problem.

Folks are unwilling to talk to their neighbors in part because the kind of people who turn their yards into junk yards also tend to be the type of people who are heavily armed and fly gadsen flags.

HOAs are not a part of the democratic process. They can declare that only silver cars can be parked outside and you kinda have to go with it. Or move.

My parents had to build a very expensive fence to block the view of their neighbor’s hoard of shit cars. And that’s the problem- their neighbor isn’t restoring a car or anything like that, he’s just got it in his yard, rotting away because he’s a hoarder. Every year or two another one gets added to the pile and the…

I’ma suggest that you could easily call this “David’s Law” in honor of former Jalopnik writer and terminal jeep hoarder David Tracy. If y’all recall, it was legal for him to have cars in the yard of his rental (!) until he pushed his hoarding a bit too far and the city was like, “no, that is not what we meant and you…

or again, maybe the doors should work like every other car.

And yet... See the above video.

Here’s the thing- goofy looking only matters if you want NEED to look cool.