I have never wanted a place to exist as much as I want “Titty City” to exist. 

Whoa, 3 sakes at a dinner for one on a Tuesday? That’s not covered by per diem!

“Florida Boomer” really frames the story by conveying the proper mix of “get off my lawn!” and “divorced guy energy” to motivate someone to endanger the lives of innocents because of a trivial annoyance. 

Is that cheating if it’s under the guise of what was originally intended? Free market system for talent isn’t originally intended.

It’s a me, Pedo!

I believe it’s one of Newton’s laws that the Lions will always return to their normal state of being the Lions no matter how competent they may seem for a short time.

This is all the more sad when I remember I turned fucking THIRTY in 2005. 

I’m honestly a little disappointed in your lack of vampire-themed activities, Drew.

Gotta keep your head on a swivel!

“Alexa, how do I get to Mordor?”

If they can make a device that tells my kids to go the fuck back to sleep before 7 AM, I’m all for it. 

+1 liberal arts degree

Or when they loudly proclaimed that Max Scherzer did nothing wrong when he signed with the Nats for more money. 

To this day people still mispronounce my god damn last name because of Tim TUFF-EL

For the love of God, put a damn age cap on public office that you can’t seek election/re-election after the age of like 75. (I’d be in favor of 70 tbqh to eliminate any more Trump type scenarios where the dementia sets in earlier)

this may be an actually feasible use for phrenology

you will remain writing for “ classic” publishers like Deadspin....because my Latino friend, your goals are Venezuela...if you get my drift...

Deadspin used to be a favorite location for interesting reading. NOT WITH YOU writing and using your language.

wait until you actually see it and find out that the hero was a billionaire “philanthropist” who can kick a little ass on the side named “Beff Jezos”

But I just got the loan for my “Live Clean, Chug Listerine” gym!