You seem fun.

Impersonating a primate?

This is superb.

I have absolutely no connection to Vegas outside of a few guys trips and some terrible business conferences, and even I don’t ever want this ride to end.

All the clerk wanted to know was “how the Raptors did in the playoffs?” What he didn’t realize was that he was talking to a performance artist.

This looks like a basic-ass frank.

I had no idea what the fuck the 1st paragraph had to do with the rest of this story until I looked at the standings.

Associate Justice Samuel Alito writes, “a more direct affront to state sovereignty is not easy to imagine,”

Up 2-0 with 3 of the potential 5 next games at home. What could go wrong?

They hate our freedom!

I would like any stat that purports to make me look even better due to efforts that aren’t my own.

Chicago has an annual natural disaster, it’s called the “Bears”

Playoff hockey overtime is a fantastic spectacle when you have no horse in the race.*

I dont know, man. You just avoided having to live in Cleveland, Buffalo, or Northern NJ for the next decade. You should be thanking these teams.

this is the same franchise who bastardized “Sweet Caroline” for their own purposes. You know the answer to this.

“Today, if you see someone wearing a jersey not playing in a game it looks kind of odd.”

WHY DONT YOU GO AND BUILD THE POLAR ICE CAPS OUT A YETI THEN, HUH?

Jay Leno approves

Dr. Megha Panda was robbed!

Hypothetically, say the Trump “pee tape” shows up at Deadspin HQ on Monday AM. Who writes that story?