Once upon a time there was a king and his name was Solomon. And lo it came to pass that Solomon had to try a dispute between a mother and father about their children. Solomon didn’t know WTF to do to sort out who was the best parent but one day he had a brainwave: he decided he’d send the kids to jail.

Thieves of Spanish gold!

That’s the Duke of Edinburgh.

That’s why he’s a photographer and not a typographer.

Something else people can blame Simon Cowell for. He seems to like popera.

Seems fair. Who needs a pen holder in this day and age? Who even needs a pen? What an embarrassment. I bet it was a great box set, too, like The Best of Rob Schneider, or something.

Not from me. I look better shot from below than above. I say better, I mean not as worse.

Is that Andrew Loog Oldham, the old Stones manager?

People have the wrong impression of rock stars in general.

Well, they did invent your fries. We call them chips and what you call chips we call crisps.

I had no idea but I was a terrible attention-seeker at that age.

They look like a boyband who sing opera in a pop style.

Sometimes being an Old really sucks. And sometimes something comes along to make you think, “I’m glad we didn’t live in a Big Brother cameraworld back then because remember that time we....”

In Britain, they take their training seriously

Scottish National Party: 1.4m votes, 56 MPs
Green Party: 1.1m votes, 1 MP

If this is after 10 months, Jeremy Clarkson’s going to be like a small child that’s dropped its ice cream in dog poop.

Needs more cans of piss flying overhead.

People say it here all the time but we still have that “special relationship.”

As long as somebody somewhere said it, I think they’re ok. And I think I said that one time.

Especially when there is a jif format. Which is probably pronounced yif.