My goal is to get to where I can do that.

This has me wanting to Mama Hen all those kids and usher them under my protective wing. Those babies.

My life goal is to be an adult like Melissa McCarthy in The Heat.

I do have kids, but wine and hiking! That's my speed! See, Jezebel needs to just have a way for people to find other local jezzies. Alas, I'm in Utah instead of California.

Ha! Hand me a glass of wine. That usually helps.

Yes! This! It’s exhausting trying to initiate a friendship and then they go on a rant about the gay agenda or how Muslims are all terrorists. Then you have to figure out a way out without getting their crazy all over you.

I just had an experience yesterday where a mom of another kindergartner said something to me— she had a nose ring and tattoos, as do I, which is rare in this very conservative area. My brain screamed “FRIENDDDDDDDDD!”, but my mouth did nothing. Being a socially awkward introvert sucks.

Your dad has a lot of diplomacy work ahead of him.

I also have an uncle named Steve who is also a dick!

I just tried to think of him as only “Steve,” and it was horrible. I've known too many awful Steves. Steve Carell only and for always.

I read that as “cheesezillas” and now I'm super disappointed.

I don't... I don't understand why you are gray. You've been here for eons!

Uhhh, isn't emotional distress part of the job description when you decided to become a police officer? It is literally your job to handle distressing situations. It's also the defense apologetics use when explaining why it's okay for you to kill unarmed civilians. This is an extra step of awful.

It’s a great way to pat ourselves on the backs. “We don’t own people anymore! Isn’t that great? All our problems are solved.”

The good thing is he didn't resort to any hyperbole. That would have made it too much.

So happy! They both seem like such genuinely nice people.

Omg. Gina and Ben. 100% support.

Body part you would want to be known as?

“Jennifer was probably just the better actress. Dr. King would want you to pick the person based on their merits, not the color of their skin.”

“It isn’t racist if it’s art. I believe in freedom of speech! And the constitution! Ever hear of censorship? If you’re a terrorist, then you prolly have!”