I bet this felt funny when you wrote it. 

Standard reply to the “but he’s a distraction” bullshit:

It’s like Joel McHale and Fat Joe had a baby.

Let me tell you how I was wondering how two people of color could get into an argument about race, then the interwebs informed me that this gentleman was a white man...

Pizza is a complete meal in itself. That’s kinda the point.

It’s bad enough the Russian bots try to ruin our elections, now they’re going around saying that french fries go with pizza before hot dogs?

Portland is insufferable enough. Give them a Quidditch team instead.

That’d be a great show....for me to poop on.

I’m turning off the computer and going outside for a bit after that one.

Look, I just want to know if he’s a lone wolf or if I need to condemn an entire ethnicity. Please advise.

LIKELY STORY LADY, BUT HOW DO WE KNOW SHE DIDN’T TEACH HIM THINGS SEXUALLY?!?! HELLO?!?! SHE’S A STRIPPER!

A story is posted about a 15-year-old girl being sexually groomed by her mentor and your response is “But she became a stripper!”

Coens for me, and it’s not terribly close.

‘Hah! That was the worst move he’s ever made.’” She laughed at the memory.

Well they’re probably just going to get folded into the XFL. 

I’m just so disappointed that this article didn’t begin “Avril Lavigne isn’t dead--she’s born again.” It was RIGHT THERE! 

Good idea. We need to get you into a front office pronto!

I’m not sure it was strictly necessary for Machado to raise his hand high enough to have a fair-to-decent chance of punching Arcia in the nuts, myself.  Sure, probably not illegal, but pretty assholish, I’d think.

Can everyone just stay off Twitter instead? 

Hey, have some re2pe6t, man. That’s Dere6 Jete6.