Wow, this Jesus sounds like an abusive, controlling husband.

Holy shit (almost literally). Jesus is terrifying.

It is My Father’s will that your entire life should be centered on Me.

Letter From Jesus: tl;dr.

Stories like this are the perfect antidote to stories about cat killing vets or that AWFUL “Letter from Jesus” story I read.

More to the point, imagine a Silverado in the air. With the aviation equivalent of truck nutz.

That’s hilarious! Reminds me of this

Mom burns are the best burns:

I... Still do that pretty regularly. But only when drunk, and to my boyfriend. (“You should probably have a glass of water” “your mom should have a glass of water”)

In 1998, I was working at Paramount as a p.a. My boss was a smoker. The clean air act was in effect, so she was outside our studio, having a smoke. An “industry” type walking by said, “You know, secondhand smoke kills.” My boss arched one eyebrow, and without missing a beat replied, “Obviously not effectively.”

My reaction to this gif was the same as his reaction to the woman.

In high school, the reply “your mom” was super popular where I was (possibly years after it was popular everywhere else) and people used it constantly. Because I have a super dark sense of humor, I waited and waited for the perfect time when someone would thoughtlessly say that to me and it finally happened one day…

I’m not sure this counts as a burn, but it was the first thing that came to mind and resulted in an immediate shutting the fuck up.

This little bit of Hollywood history, be it true or too good to be true...

My sister might kill me for this, and it’s not a burn, but it’s such a great one-liner and you guys are the perfect audience and I HAVE TO SHARE.

burns are great but reactions are better

In college, walking down the street smoking a cigarette. Jail guys cleaning the road catcall me and my friend, we ignore. They are persistent. One says “Hey beautiful, don’t you know smoking is bad for you??”

My then-roommate and I were at a bar and a guy came up to her and said in the most cheesy, oily voice you can imagine, “Hey, just to save some time: how would you like your eggs in the morning?”

Ooh, this one will be fun! The first story coming to my mind is one I have told on here before, but I’m sure it will be new to most of you: