Well, as of today, the Constitution is still in effect... 

I’d start with “fervently hope that ‘you are what you eat’ is not a thing.”

Sure, you gotta have fossil fuels. If you don’t, then girls get sexually assaulted, and then some of them get pregnant, and then they’re going to get abortions, so ultimately, fossil fuels not only prevent sexual assault, they prevent the murder of the unborn.

“Please describe any good that can possibly come out of your nomination,” the unasked subtext read.

“I’m sorry, did you say, Assholes-Only Cruise Line?”

Sweet Jebus.

AllenWoody is available, I think.

Yeah, never go to an MLB game, under any circumstances. Rookie mistake.

It’s like they’re daring every passenger on the flight to show up with a suicide vest.

Oh, come on, what’s going to happen to it? It’s on the island, it’s on an island in the middle of the ocean. It’s out in the ocean — you can’t just drive your trucks there from other states.

LET’S NOT DRAG CANADA INTO THIS.

Fouts: “...Graybar Hotel...”

“Harm,” as in, “make worse”? No, nothing in the known Universe can do that.

The Republican Party thinks you are a fucking mark.

I hope I haven’t missed a news story somewhere and that your use of “SS” still means “Secret Service.”

“We were literally just running out of ideas.”

Only two things I’d change about reader Marshall’s response:

News from the near future: YouTube Reports Uploads Of Russian Dashcam Videos Increase 200%

Nah, he’d never do that. He used to be a cop, you know.

Trying not to read anything into this one showing up 2 minutes after the anal lube.