Mascot Problems Haiku

73? Meh. Kim Jong-Il (the Korean Fred Trump) was good for a 38-under his first time golfing. And Un could drive at 3 years old and won a yacht races at 9.

Weird that the title of today’s column is “is this safe?” when every time I think of MK I’m transported inside Dustin Hoffman’s head as he sits in a dentist’s chair while Laurence Olivier asks him, “is it safe?”

This is all well and good, but where’s this White House’s Claus von Stauffenberg?

You had me at “fetuses.” #omnomnom

If this is what Trump not going “off the rails,” looks like someone might need to look into a Plan B. For instance, has anyone seen the film “Dave”?

Welcome to Megyn Kelly Today, Today, a new daily column in which we will share the most memorable things that happened on Megyn Kelly Today every morning until we are no longer able to watch Megyn Kelly Today without feeling like there will be no tomorrow.

That this comment was not immediately un-grayed is a travesty.

“Anything can happen in Texas! Wooo!” Perfect.

Proofreading note: It’s spelled S-T-A-G-E-D, not S-E-I-Z-E-S. #ftfy

“So long, and thanks for all the fish.”
- Douglas Adams, renowned Sentinelese author

I do love me some Samsquanch sauce.

If I were the Vice President I’d be upset too. He spent all that time begging Mother to let him go to the game even though there would be unmarried women there and then the President told him he would have to leave before kickoff.

“Beer you’re saving”?

“Repetitive” is rich, coming as it does from the guy whose every second tweet includes “#FakeNews”.

You know, for a woman with three of the biggest tits around, Melania doesn’t smile very much.

“Dying is easy, comedy is hard.” - attributed to Edmund Kean (1787-1833).
Kind of hoping Ralphie’s last words were, “Been there, done that.” RIP, Ralphie.

In defense of the custodian who reported the find to police, the tampon wasn’t completely soaked through in that blue-dyed water that they’re usually used to absorb.

TFW the current opiate of the masses meets the previous opiate of the masses.

1. Sierra referred to Melania as “the perfect woman,” which sounds eerily like something the First Lady’s husband might say.