just kidding — the baby slid down the birth canal faster than a balled-up hedgehog down a water slide, so there was no time for an ambulance to arrive

I have a pair of Target gray and white polka dot pants, but obviously I need this pair as well.

You're my hero.

$228 at kate spade. BECAUSE POLKA DOTS.

I cannot stand most of those top names.

I really only changed my last name because my maiden name was a pain in the ass for people to pronounce.

Get laid haircut? My Bettie Page fringe. Rowr.

I see her as no different from the mommy bloggers who say how perfect their lives and children are because of x lifestyle, or food bloggers who make from-scratch EVERYTHING because it's always better and no shortcuts ever, or a travel blogger saying the life of a digital nomad is the only good choice.

Is this supposed to be an embarrassed elephant coverings its eyes with its ears?

Breakfast?

What's a real bitch? Trying to find a store that's on/ships to 3 different continents. I had 3 bridesmaids, in 3 different countries, who all at least had the same body type and I picked a generally flattering color (navy). But I was young and thought they had to match rather than saying knee length and navy, go!

Hoo boy! Where should I start?

You sound like the kind of person I need to be friends with.

Greeeeeeeaaaaat.

Compared to some of the horrific things I've seen on early 20th century menus, this sounds not too shabby. Plus wine at lunch.

Amen! I embrace mediocrity wholeheartedly. Happy > perfect.

I was going to say the same thing!

Ugh, if I have to see a photo of your tongue, could you at least use a tongue scraper to clean it up?