HAhahahaha that's amazing, bravo! And perfect GIF to go with it!

When I went through classes for my DUI (14 years ago) the teacher said the highest reported DUI in our area was .75 and the guy was trying to board an airplane at the airport. How you're even UPRIGHT with a .75 boggles the mind.

I went through rehab with someone who went missing shortly before being admitted to rehab. It was all over the local news, search and rescue, k9 teams out looking, etc and she told me that she was actually hiding in the house. When they found her, she’d been hiding for 8 hours without drinking during that time. When…

I posted this article to a friend’s facebook page (she looooves candy corn) a couple minutes ago with almost this exact sentiment.

Hahahahaha I love this! I was just asking a friend why it was that it was only racist white people who seem to post videos of black people talking about how awful Black Lives Matter is.

I saw Bo Derek at the grocery store this weekend. It reminded me of my best friend’s story about seeing her outside the pharmacy in high school. He was from an even smaller town than we live in and very star struck so upon spotting her, his fluffy headed homosexual 14 year old self dropped his ten speed bike, ran over…

I totally own a pair but I only paid 25 dollars for them. They’re okay, I guess, but when I bought them I hoped they’d be more pajama and less jeans. Like denim sweatpants I think is what I was looking for. But instead they’re just stretch denim with a drawstring. And they’re too short. Lame.

David Sedaris wrote that in response to being told “I’m going to have you fired” he was always tempted to respond, “I’m going to have you killed.”

No I worked retail and if I went in back to look for something, I actually looked for it, even if I was pretty sure we didn't have it.

When I was five, I wrote my grandma the following letter, “Dear Grandma, Do you like birds? I like birds whether you like birds or not.”

My favorite part is “my job is to make dreams come true. Also I’m a cashier at Petco.”

Shouldve asked Jessica Williams...she would have been great.

Yeah, I'm a recovering addict, and I did moderation with alcohol and pot for a while, but it was never my drug of choice (that would be pills) but ultimately I quit everything and am much happier now that I have. Quitting pot was probably harder than anything because it helped me sleep and it was just always around.…

My friend had a gyno, refuse to look her in the eye call her fat, and balance her clipboard on my friend’s belly. She was 19 and horrified. My mom’s best friend had a male gyno tell her she “had a beautiful labia” and asked her to keep her pearls on. Pretty scary! I get papsmears by my GP who is in and out of there in…

I always get my brows down at Benefit but have never gotten a bikini wax. They use some great wax though...it hurts way less than other places, I think.

My brother lived on a street in Ventura, Ca that had 17 “massage” parlor within a five block radius. I've never seen one that did anything but massage though, but I believe it.

Jeb Bush did.

Incidentally, my brother’s seven year old stepson with Down’s syndrome is going through the exact same phase.

Have you read Wolf Hall? It’s pretty great.

I'm checking mainly for toilet snakes (porta potty snakes), a life long fear.