My mom always says “Born agains...so much worse the second time around.”

I just read this out loud to my mom and we laughed and laughed.

That was masterfully written! Beautiful!

Trader Joes has this bagged salad that has blue cheese, dried cranberries and candied pecans with spinach and it is my fave.

I had a tragic one that was my initials and the number 69. (Why? Why why?) Also, I dont use it anymore but I have one that is chickletmcnugget (which is kinda cute, I guess?)

My ex boyfriend’s mother donated to a stranger. She's an amazing woman.

I'm a Katie and people who don't know me very well call me Kate all the time. I don't usually correct them but it is annoying because that's not my name.

I live in Santa Barbara, and most of our water usage is expended in Montecito, the wealthiest enclave in a wealthy town. (Oprah lives there.) It’s all spent on maintaining lush landscaping. In contrast every yard in our middle class neighborhood is brown or replaced with indigenous plants, dirt and decorative rocks.…

Oh I totally still watch it! But it's pretty ridiculous. Also I miss Stabler and Munsch.

SVU is totally going to do a ripped from the headlines Jared Fogle episode. If they haven’t already.

This story will definitely get done by Law & Order SVU! Also the Josh Duggar story. They love shit ripped from the headlines. Too bad that show sucks now.

I have those, too and I wear them with matching leggings and a tshirt with a space cat with lasers coming out of his eyes farting rainbows because I am 12!

That is a seriously adorable dog.

Another trashy memoir about the Playboy mansion that I recommend is Playground: A Childhood Lost Inside the Playboy Mansion, which is by the daughter of Hugh Hefner’s personal physician AKA Dr Feelgood. It is absolutely insane but also reads like it was written by a 9 year old.

I’ve had a cat pee on me, too. But I was asleep when it happened and I awoke to the cat sitting a couple inches from my face...staring at me. That same cat (who was really weird and lecherous...we called him the cat most likely to commit date rape) took a giant dump on my friend’s chest while he was sleeping.

I remember sitting on a bench with my grandma who had early stage Alzheimer’s and a particularly large, disheveled woman walked by with a small child and my grandma loudly announcing “Aren’t you glad YOUR grandmother doesn’t look like that!”

This made me laugh. It reminds me of a time I was reading Henry Miller which is basically literary porn and there’s this line that “her juices flowed from her like hot soup.” I read it to my mom commenting, “that is an inaccurate portrayal of the female orgasm.” She shrugs, not looking up from her book and says, “Eh,…

My brother enjoyed locking me in the car trunk and making me figure out how to unlock it from the inside.

I always get a fat Renee Zellwegger but guys always try and explain this to me in a way that they think won’t hurt my feelings and end up really putting their foot in their mouth so I just cut them off and say “yeah I get what you mean. Like Renee Zellwegger but fatter”