It’s okay Newt. Use the doll to show me which part of your body he tried to grab.

When, exactly, is Caroline being placed in protective custody? Do you think he’s going to stop torturing her now that no one is watching?

When our Glorious, Luxurious Leader inevitably shuts down all media, in what country will you seek asylum?

Christ, does anyone remember the last time we put a Texan dope in charge of our nuclear energy policy?:

Manspreading is unnecessary! It’s also off topic...

I blame the media for failing to ask the real questions, like how will this impact Jackson’s draft stock in 2018?

Romo’s support of Prescott is unquestioned. In fact, he’s already snapped his collarbone in protest of the recent chatter.

Eh, it’s not like they’re bears or something.

Oh I know. I just wanted some pie. It was delicious.

Octopi.

Take note, America: these guys know how to get fleeced the right way. We’re talking about the best suckers in stadium swindling.

I get it now. 2016 isn’t real, it just refuses to break kayfabe.

Hold up? Normally, getting kicked in the rocks causes a man to go straight down.

Bautista retorted by declaring his distaste for Baltimore, claiming that all the good characters on The Wire were dead, anyway.

Four, actually. Possibly eight.

Unless you count Grover Cleveland’s second term...

FF: Is there anyone you’d like to thank for your success this year?

Discovery of FCCs in the car does not mean that all the shots were fired in the car. For example, if I shoot you in your kitchen, the FCCs may end up in your living room. Or, some FCCs actually landed outside and went undiscovered. Moreover, firing at someone on the ground won’t necessarily create a strike mark on…

Just a friendly reminder that this beautiful bastard remains on the outside looking in. There’s still time to get one thing right this year.

Where’s the love for this, deadspin? Where is the mothafuckin’ love?