Sentiments like this are the reason why you’re going to die alone.

The idea of criminal conspiracy is so broad that I could literally convict a ham sandwich and a bag of chips of conspiracy to anything right now.

The best guitar song on the 90s’ best guitar album:

The longest, most luxurious stream of urine.

That’s, like, the entire argument, actually.

Granted, when you’re already blindfolded and being fucked in the ass, it’s kinda hard to tell whose penis is inside you.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words require a police escort.

“Aren’t they?”

But where is the chorus of old white guys calling him unprofessional, or petulant, or a bad role model, or something vaguely racist?

Counterpoint: We haven’t even hit the All Star break. Give it time.

Has it been five minutes yet?

...And offense wins Championpretzels, while special teams wins Championcheeseandcrackers.

I always knew Jerry was a nut, but using your former-franchise QB to reenact a Grimm’s Fairy Tale takes it about two steps too far.

“Me too.”

It’s okay Newt. Use the doll to show me which part of your body he tried to grab.

When, exactly, is Caroline being placed in protective custody? Do you think he’s going to stop torturing her now that no one is watching?

When our Glorious, Luxurious Leader inevitably shuts down all media, in what country will you seek asylum?

Christ, does anyone remember the last time we put a Texan dope in charge of our nuclear energy policy?:

I blame the media for failing to ask the real questions, like how will this impact Jackson’s draft stock in 2018?

Romo’s support of Prescott is unquestioned. In fact, he’s already snapped his collarbone in protest of the recent chatter.