“It’s not because we don’t want to have smart conversations about sports and pop culture. It’s because we think you suck.”

I expect Deadspin to ask the hard questions: Whose shit was it? How did the shit get on the bread? Who carried the sandwich to the inmate? Did this individual wear gloves? Were those gloves blue?

Chicago: Always trendy, never the trendsetter.

Isn’t Cleveland the Cincinnati of the Midwest?

Given the quality of their “pizza,” they don’t have much else to boast about. Let them have this one, Hamilton.

Thankfully we have journalists who will zoom to the cause of the beef and keep it within frame.

SEPTA is on strike. That bridge is bumper to bumper. I smell a conspiracy.

Man, remember when we hated him for shooting that guy? Those were the days.

Bradley’s requested last meal: crumbs.

It’s probably the salts in the post-practice ice baths. Failing that, meth.

You think, therefore you are (correct).

Now is the time for her to star in a series of internationally beloved children’s picture books.

What is your favorite Halloween candy?

Presidential debates are like acting in a soap opera. There are no good parts, just varying levels of awful.

Dude, if you want to stop playing for the Jets that badly, just ask for a release.

Being a bitch and a war criminal are not mutually exclusive, just related. In this case, I take umbrage with Trump’s use of “lovely woman.” Completely uncalled for.

When asked a follow up question, Jeffery stated that he would settle for slow lovemaking touchdowns, but make-out/heavy petting/possible third-base touchdowns was nothing more than bush league, Pop Warner shit.

The victims, however, will require years of therapy.

And if you told me that the Hard Rock Cafe was still in business, I would have assumed that you were a liar.