Now is the time for her to star in a series of internationally beloved children’s picture books.

Jerry. Jerry punched you in the face.

What is your favorite Halloween candy?

Presidential debates are like acting in a soap opera. There are no good parts, just varying levels of awful.

Dude, if you want to stop playing for the Jets that badly, just ask for a release.

Being a bitch and a war criminal are not mutually exclusive, just related. In this case, I take umbrage with Trump’s use of “lovely woman.” Completely uncalled for.

When asked a follow up question, Jeffery stated that he would settle for slow lovemaking touchdowns, but make-out/heavy petting/possible third-base touchdowns was nothing more than bush league, Pop Warner shit.

The victims, however, will require years of therapy.

And if you told me that the Hard Rock Cafe was still in business, I would have assumed that you were a liar.

Q: What do we do now that we have all of our rotten eggs in one basket?

Which room would you rather be in: A bedroom shared with 10 spiders or a kitchen shared with 10 mosquitoes?

Umm, normally this guy sues people when he’s clearly wrong. Is this situation so bad that even he is afraid to bring it before a judge?

McCoy and Aukerman also seem to have sent Rambo on a locker-room apology tour, where he was reportedly protested, spat upon, and called a baby killer.

Gives a new meaning to the Plastic Oh No Band.

Part of the problem is that we still equate socialism with Anti-Americanism. Somehow, a devil from Wisconsin convinced a bunch of morons that the two concepts are mutually exclusive, and we’ve been following it as dogma for the last 70 years or so. Maybe we’d start voting for our own interests if we didn’t feel so…

Pssh. Trump hasn’t worn a condom since 1989.

Things I know about Paul Ryan:

Thus proving my long-held theory that they key to any journalist’s heart is through their liver.

Thanks Candidates! That was very informative. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to spray my brains onto my bare white walls into a pattern of the American Flag.