Tic Tac won’t renounce Donald Trump because those who live in glass houses don’t cast stones:

Dude, you can think all you want in this situation, but to actually speak it...

I’ll take “Strange Hill to Die On” for $800, Alex.

Actually, I just kind of make it up as a go along.

Trump is like:

The only way to stop a bad guy with a clown costume is with a good guy with a clown costume.

Good. Drudge and his ilk can stay. There should be a decent sale on floaties this time of year.

Damnit. I’ll get better, I promise!

In Ireland, head on head violence is reserved for when the barkeep fails to properly pour the Guinness.

Your system of pluses and minuses frightens and confuses me!

So wait, if San Francisco runs more than six different plays on offense, they have a chance to win?

This is the reason why most rape victims are afraid to come forward. Not only is the testimony painful and embarrassing to deliver, but the victim’s state of intoxication and trauma prevents the testimony from becoming damaging in court. Watch as this guy gets away with it.

+1 Royale with cheese

This is yet another example of the Donald’s unwavering patriotism. Because if it’s not baked, soggy, mass produced, and filled with GMOs, it’s not ‘Murican enough for his palate 

“And your issue is what, exactly?”

Nah, they just weren’t programmed to properly execute the Pittsburgh Left. It’s an art, not a science.

For some reason, I feel like this is a forgotten gem:

Christ, everyone knows that if sports were Game of Thrones, Boston would be the Dreadfort.

Don’t know what you’ve got, ‘til its gone.