My wife bought me 12 new pairs of boxers for my birthday, which I was legitimately excited about; as the old pairs had been through a lot, but my excitement was quickly turned to disappointment as I saw they were button fly boxers...  Had to explain to her why this was a bad present now and that no, it’s not the same…

Any other fast food item is to be binged in a disgusting display shortly after purchase and then thrown away out in the dumpster so your spouse does not see what you’ve done again

I like how everyone is rattling off their bullshit regional chain restaurants. That’s against the rules, you don’t get to say the clearly better quality product holds up better than national stadium sponsoring size fast food fuckshacks.

Please settle a debate: Is Back to the Future a sci-fi movie?

The only person who appreciates Borat quotes in my house is MY WIIIFE

Shittiest husband ever.

The ball becomes dead and runners advance one base, or return to their bases, without liability to be put out, when:

It depends. If I’m at an actual steakhouse, cook my steak the way I asked. Plus, those places want to get it right. They’d rather fix it and comp you something than have you never coming back and badmouth the restaurant to anyone who will listen.

Funny. Reverse swing means the ball swings one way and then turns and swings the other way, all in mid-air.

I am led to believe you need to know what a crumpet is before you can understand cricket.

This take is irredeemably bad. I Can’t Believe it’s Not Better.

“Did you marry Jared because he has the same lack-of-personality as your dad and is just as evil?”

It’s technically not napping when you’re running a length of garden hose from the tail pipe into the cab of the vehicle. 

I love being a parent. But parenting is really, REALLY hard at times. Like harder than anything I have ever done. Yet, seeing my kids master something, seeing them express joy, seeing them experiencing new adventures . . . it is amazing. I think one reason why it is so hard is that the love you feel for your child -…

You disgust me. There are so many easy workarounds. Off the top of my head, you go to the party store and buy a half-dozen balloons that say “Happy Birthday Junior!”, and carry those home with the barrel. Anybody looks at you, you just shrug, and blammo! You’re a good dad rather than a glutton. The Cheezies are for a…

It’s a big production. You got the anthem, the coin toss, and the weekly moment of silence for whatever mass shooting just happened.

At first, I was excited to see footage of his perfect game, but then I realized I’d just watched the GIF loop 12 times.

I just want to thank you for coming into the comments. You are a hero.

My take was:

What kind of monster would point them toward the middle of the document?