You can’t do air quotes in writing. Those are just called quotes (or, actually, quotation marks).

“My name spelled backwards is okenrub, because okenrub mah penis after I write these things.”

obligatory

A 7 year old kid on my son’s little league baseball team pulled off the most amazing triple play I’ve ever seen a few years back. And it wasn’t due to typical kid errors (which there are tons of in games, I once told my wife I will only keep track of the score once more runs are scored due to the actions rather than…

There is a Lays factory that is on a highway I drive by frequently and the smell it lays out is NOTHING like the smell of a freshly opened bag of chips.

Nope. Tell him you know about the credit card theft — use that word — and that you expect him to pay you back, with interest at the rate on your card. Hold him to it with the threat to involve his parents if necessary, and follow through if necessary. A discussion of general boundaries is also in order. Unless he’s a…

“IT’S A CLEVER GIRL!”

I did some math. I took a map of Turner Field with the distances from home plate to the wall measured and figured out that on my map 1 pixel was 1.6 feet.

I used to be a pitcher, then I took a line drive to the knee. And another one to the wrist.

Now that’s a conspiracy theory I can get behind. “Hello, MLB office? Yeah, Starling Marte of the Pirates is juicing.” “Thanks for the info, we’ll look into it. What did you say your name was?” “Uh, Randy McFutchen.”

Yeah, I like an ice cream cake as a novelty every once in a great while, but you’re clearly better off if you get the literal best of both worlds by just serving normal cake with normal ice cream on it.

You’ve convinced me. Bread knives are the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Getting drunk AT the sporting event? Who am I, Rockefeller?

BEER. That’s right! FIGHT ME, BRO.