Don't worry fellas, I'm hard at work on my slapsticky MRA comedy "Death To Coochie"

50 Shades of Whey

For the love of God would someone please just blow my fucking brains out? I can't take this anymore, thanks.

I work 50+ hours a week as a professional chef and on top of that try to work with students in after school programs to promote and encourage healthy eating. I used to pity this eoman, but c'mon. Lock her up.

Accurate!

I've never met a horrible pun I didn't like!

Sounds like the restaurants closure was ... *puts on sunglasses*

Well this is the best thing ever.

"Don Cheadle, House of Cards!" LOL... Close enough, I guess.

Brian Windhorst spreads mayo on his sandwich the same way Irving spreads the ball around with the Cavs: not at all. Wait, that's not, oh just forget it.

"Now that's what I call a sticky situation!"

This is too absurd to be real

I can't hear you over my chemex of Blue Bottle pour-over and my Lulawolf vinyl that doesn't yet exist. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go buy some shaving butter and a straight razor.

As a disenfranchised millennial, it's less Oreo Madness, more Oreo Ennui.

But... However will I predict NFL games with 45 % accuracy over the next three weeks?

All the staters for you.

Just perfect.

Jesus. Brilliant.

Deadspin is where you go when you flunk out of "Ironic Aging Hipster Journalism School"?

This really is heartbreaking. Damn.