"Shut it, nerd! Get back to your mom's basement, baseball nerd! I don't need any GOOP or that crap to tell me who's good! Know who was good? JOE FUCKING MORGAN, THAT'S WHO!"—old, white sportswriters

Oh, I get it! It's a new campaign by the White Sox! Vote for Sale for the AS Game, and Mark Parent will come and fondle his junk for you! Seems like an....odd sort of promotion, but I admit, I'm not in Promotions or anything like that.

"...with which you furiously masturbate to Prince Fielder while telling yourself you're just admiring his athleticism."

Well, hell! If you can't do the time, don't do the cr......oh, wait, nevermind.....

"Impressive effort, but it obviously still needs work."—the International Olympics Committee

"gheskc,"—@pgammo

Gilbert's letter was replaced on the website with a note that said "P.S. Jk, LeBron! Totes luv ya! Danny"

"Who is Fats Thomas? Somebody we need on the payroll, like, yesterday!"—Jim Irsay

"And we hope that bird's OK."

"Fuck this guy. Gotta be some octopus around here to eat."—the shark

"Ha. No, really. It's hilarious. Never heard that one before."—Belgians

You call it "panache", I call it "impertinence". But words are meaningless, so let's not quibble over such matters.

"Fuck you, asshole! Keep the ball! I NEED A BEER, DAMN YOU!"—Grabby Lady

Quite a long article about players adjusting themselves.......HEY-OH!

I guess this means that both Koreans and the English associate Toffees with shitty soccer.

Ah.....well, I mean, what can you say? Philosophically speaking, the man has a point.

Damn. When I was younger, I could rise and grind any damn time I wanted. Now that I've hit middle age, it's not nearly as easy. I hear it's just a matter of blood flow, but I'm worried that it might never get any better.....

(blows smoke rings) "I'm hip to it. I used to dance like that all the time when I was down there."—Jim Leyland

JESUS!! That's not a thumb! That's a fucking talon!

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HIS FUCKING THUMB