this is the face of self proclaimed expert

KOOZIE POCKET!!!

is this a sext

I WANT TO PUT THE RIGHT THINGS IN ALL THE RIGHT POCKETS.

Literal LOL. Well played. :)

Why not take the money you spent on same-day video editing and plow it into better booze at the open bar?

i still don’t know who this big head is

Watching The Rachel Zoe Project was my dirty little secret. Mostly I sat there and wondered how old Rachel really is. But the fashions were interesting to me, and I could normally filter out the drama. I like Project Runway too so...

Sorry, too busy shopping, having periods and crying to reply.

It’s almost like women are humans who generally know what’s best for them and their lives.

Smartest thing I ever did, just ahead of ditching the loser who knocked me up.

Me.

My sad, slow Iron and Wine-esque version of Drip Drop is going to catapult me to stardom.

Thank you so much! This has been a terribly crappy week so far and this was my first laugh out loud moment!

I just burst out laughing at my desk. Well done (LIKE THIS ENTIRE STEAK I’M SHOVING IN MY FACE).

There was a post going around Tumblr not too long ago talking about how we need a Vin Diesel x The Rock romcom where they raise a bunch of kids while working undercover for the government. I have NEVER wanted something so badly in my life. (Not even financial security.)

Stop, please...I can only get so erect.

I almost didn’t get my chest tattoo because of all the flak I got for it: