And the ashtray is actually a jar of garlic dill pickles.

In the words of the great philosopher Wesley Snipes; Some motherfuckers always tryna ice skate uphill.

What the fuck is wrong with people.

Saw a CTA bus with the Seasons Greetings sign up today and it made me want to go on a rampage.

I wish actual rent got that low.

She likes guns almost as much as she likes Photoshop.

As a fellow social media Early Abandoner™, I second this emotion.

Give him a break for pushing the employee, he probably just got spooked!

Dude, if you had to put on a North Face in order to keep a fetus warm at this time of year, civilization wouldn’t have made it past its first winter.

What are hotdog bling.

Can’t wait to see this dicknose cry.

My bad.

Well, at least he’s got the Internet. We all know how much the Internet helped Lindsay Lohan.

Realizing that me bitching about rave style coming back is like my mom bitching about me wearing bell bottoms in 9th grade, so I’ll just shut up now, but still get off my lawn.

He was fine, and only a little snagglefaced after that.

I had a Norwegian Forest cat who chipped a tooth jumping off my kitchen counter after eating an entire stick of butter. The vet thought the inertia from his big, fat ass probably drove his face into the ground.

My cat Badger once gained like three pounds in six months because his automatic feeder was dropping more food than advertised, and my vet said that was like me gaining 40lbs in six months and I felt like the worst person ever.

A cat in a handsome bow tie kills me. Last year for Christmas my mom got my cat this idiotic, fringy, belled collar thing, and I was certain he’d hate. Turns out he loved it. Cats are always a surprise.

I would George Costanza a nun, five puppies, and all of the Winchesters for my cat. This I understand.

Yeah, seriously. Where was this cat’s life jacket and safety flare? Irresponsible.