Not ever! I’ll take that as a compliment, although I cannot abide her fashion sense.

HA! Hilarious! You also kill the bangs, for real.

Right, but bangs weren’t part of me until I got kind of drunk on vacation and cut my hair with the hand-forged, artisan steel scissors I had bought that afternoon. If I had followed this advice, I would still be fending off advertisers wishing to post billboards to my gigantic forehead.

Right? My not-quite-straight, thick, coarse hair looks terrible with just a part. Bang away, ladies. Bang away!

Lovely!

STOP BEING SO NICE TO ME! :)

I sincerely appreciate your courage.

All the words to Ghetto Superstar? C’mon.

Counterpoint Exhibit 1 - I cut my own bangs a few weeks ago, because they cover at least two of my fivehead, and they look goddamned awesome.

... And frog.

Man, I love it when women talk shit about pregnancy. If we could stop pretending to enjoy wearing heels, that would be great too.

Since Avril Lavigne is no Whitney Houston, we can only assume her murderer is famous, and that’s why they’ve gone to such lengths to cover it up. I’m guessing Justin Timberlake.

Some poor idiot’s going to try so hard at a promposal, he’ll accidentally divide by zero and then *poof*.

If women couldn’t safely drink while pregnant, the human race would’ve been fucked eons ago.

Fashion is trolling us right? RIGHT?!?

Be thankful, my natural color is khaki.

Sorry Beth Ditto, but that is a terrible, sloppy look and there’s a stain on it.

I’d love to see a dollar amount on how much time/money has been wasted over the last ten years discussing repro rights. These fucking dicks could be doing an actual job instead of all this play acting.

I’m not usually one to do the “oh, I’m too fat for...” thing, but I just ate the biggest Goddamned cheeseburger and in this moment I am legit too fat for any of these things. Even the bear head.

Jessica Simpson Prayer Circle, please.