We can’t leave our guns in the vehicle while we eat! The baby will play with them!

*high fives fellow NASA sufferer*

Our planet is sooo hot it’s actually melting the ice on other planets. That’s how hot we are, Hansel hot.

Never assume that a barista HASN’T poisoned you. Better wizards than you have lost buttocks that way.

I know one empty cranium that could have used that tiny foetus brain.

No, unless Mars has oxycontin.

My only complaint about NASA’s discovery is that they didn’t also find water on California while they were at it. Buncha assholes.

I’ve said too much already

Obviously they’re ceremonial, they were made obsolete by the arquebus.

Little known fact: their halberds also have a corkscrew concealed in the base.

Thanks for this awesome article Tyler.

And why did the same waitress not know that mustard powder also comes from seeds.

Oh, so you’re me.

cereal is nutritionally bunk, and does not need to be cooked. they are paying for the privilege of eating nostalgia in a hipster joint.

It wouldn’t have been free if you had just given it to him, though.

The allergen stories should stick around at least in sprinklings for new readers.

Silly plebs... Trix are for trustafarians!

it’s locally owned, and they charge five pounds for a bowl of fucking cereal. the place is pretty much a figurehead for bullshit. at least most poor people can afford subway and might even get some nutrition out of the meal

PINKHAM’S LAW!!! DING DING DING! We have a winner!

*deletes several incoherent, expletive-riddled, violence-inciting attempts at commenting on this*