Ugghh. That picture is totally NSFW, or NSF anytime really. I will not eat lunch today. That poopy robot picture just kicked me in the pancreas.

Carly Fiorina: This one’s on you.

We can call this the Seinfeld principle: Man hands are a real thing! Now if they can use their chemistry set to detect sexual orientation they will have invented gay-dar too. From sit-coms to science.

It seems to me that they threw in that Spherical so that it wouldn’t be Five-hundred-meter Aperture Radio Telescope = F.A.R.T.

My dreams of travel to outer space just died a turkey-glop-flavored death. R.I.P. Space Dreams.

Dr. Banner at the LHC assures us that nothing is likely to wrong. He further asks that he stop being pelted with silly questions about black holes and nuclear explosions which he finds quite aggravating. He added “please don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

If the Broncos release him and he is willing to play slot receiver, the Patriots will sign him. At this point they would sign a semi-mobile Walmart shopper that has a scooter with a battery that still holds its charge.

Right, that way you only terrorize your parents ears.

Poor kids who tried to kill their kids with a hammer:

Sorry for your ordeal. For your trouble I will:

I was on a jury once. Surprisingly, the jury room was filled with reasonable, adult humans who were quite collegial and were working dutifully towards a fair verdict. It was a shockingly excellent faith-restoring-in-humanity experience.

Our Turkey day plans:

Serve a huge pile of juicy red medium rare steaks and a side salad. Tell the vegan he can leave if he doesn’t like his salad or chirps about other’s food choices. Life your life with joy. Repeat that last step as often as possible.

It is obvious: these filaments are the noodly appendages of the flying spaghetti monster. All praise to this most merciful and loving of monsters. Long live its ultradense filaments of dark matter. Kind of like squid-ink pasta, but more Godly.

Option A: Play “Hello” by Adele. Encourage all to sing along. If that fails:

Good point, KKK members really do have all the secrets for getting high thread count sheets at a fair price. They’re not just racists, they’re savvy shoppers too.

If he gets the $15,000,000 he can buy all the Radio Shacks and sell build-it-yourself electronic clock kits. Irony would be served.

Dick waggling twice. Twice! Twice, you self-aggrandizing douche-nozzle. We could have had Al Gore working on global warming for 8 years, but no, we had W ignoring CIA memos about the looming 9/11 attacks and starting a war on Iraq with fabricated evidence and outright lies.

Exhibit A: Ben Carson. Things Ben Carson claims expert knowledge of that he has little or know knowledge of:

Me and my goat here beg to differ.