Not even close. I’m way better.

If you invite a badger to live in your house, you shouldn’t be surpised when your furniture gets chewed up.

The purpose of a cut off short-sleeved hoodie is to tell the pricks at the NFL uniform dress committee to go fuck themselves. They sign deals with sportswear manufacturers and then expect coaches to wear this shit all the time like a bunch of fucking Dapper Dan dress up dolls. I’ll pick the sweatshirt with the least…

1. Take a Limo.

As a doctor, he was a little short of compassion, humility, and skill. We all know how he pioneered seprating twins conjoined at the head. He even wrote a book about it and a movie too. Pesky detail: his first two patients: one dead, the other incapable of voluntary movement. He operated 3 more times, and consulted on…

“Hey, could you help me pick out some music to listen to” said no woman to me (a man) ever. News flash: women are humans too, and capable of independent thought and preferences. fucrissakes alretty.

Doesn’t matter. They could play with 76 Seventy-Sixers and they would still find a way to lose.

Wow. You win the “little-known historical reference combined with literary criticism” award of the day. Your prize: one star.

I hear she was getting uppity. Sometimes she spoke when not spoken to, and occasionally had opinions of her own. That’s your problem right there.

5 Reason Aaron Rodgers may be struggling:

3 from AFC East? What has happened to the order of the universe?

The good news is that if we all die at the same time from some lethal bacteria like the Martians in the War of the Worlds, then we don’t have to clear our internet caches before we die.

Wait, what?!? Is Peyton Manning going to jail? That’s a shame, and will be a real challenge for our team, but one we’ll try very hard to overcome.

Hockey is not Patrik’s game. He should try football. Jerry Jones is looking for another special team player, you know, for defending an onsides kick, the all-hands squad with Greg Hardy.

Use a bag of oranges. Leaves fewer marks. I saw it a movie, so it must be true. Strangling is for losers (I’m looking at you, Greg Hardy).

I also like the curtains behind her. They really pull the room together.

Normally I would oppose a collander as headwear, but I think it really works for her.

There are no missing links. This is just another dino-horsey that Jesus used to ride. Ben Carson 2016.

Tom Brady was more likely than not generally aware of the situation in Chicago. He faces an immediate 4 game suspension for his willful lack of ignorance.

He would be cuter with a kitten or bunny riding on his back. Slacker.