How to be a bad judge: A Manual.

So when did Donald Trump have time to get down to New Zealand? There can’t be two people on the planet that are that sexist, xenophobic and condescending.

Yeah, except that’s not what muck-raking is. This is just reporting. The thing which all the networks and papers should be doing. Instead, they are “informing the public” by showing that really cool video of the gator that got onto the golf course, or the bear that got after the bird feeder.

Miami Heat. Miami celebrities suck. Miami sucks. Florida sucks.

MLK said it best: let us judge a man (or woman) by the content of their character, not the color of their skin. Dear Greg Hardy, your character sucks rotten ass.

I am not going to argue that gambling on sports should be illegal, because I think adults should be allowed to play with their money.

I would have gone with chocolate pinnochio.

That wasn’t drug smuggling. That was just a little toot for the ride. Really helps with motion sickness on those windy mountain roads.

No Adolph Hitler ==> No World War II ==> George H.W. Bush doesn’t become a war hero ==> Bush family doesn’t become a political institution ==> I don’t have to run for president in 2016!!

Yeah, John Bobbitt was a real gem. After he got his schlong reattached, he had a short lived career in porn, showing off his wiener with the surgery scars on it. A role model for the ages.

That’s a sound theory. Would you bet your Little Johnny Thomas on it?

I nominate her second husband for the “Most Trusting Man Ever” award.

This is the most meta argument ever.

I disagree. I believe a true gentleman would try to cause serious and permanent eye injury to his opponent with a pinky finger only.

But how do they do at raking leaves? I could really use some help with the leaves. Stewart? Anybody?

He should have just shot her:

The shield is tarnished. This is a sickening travesty. For ball inflation he conducts a zillion dollar investigation, hears the appeal himself and fights onward to federal court to uphold the suspension. For a near homocide, he defers to the cops and allows the appeal to go to independent arbitration and lets it stand…

I agree with this pastor: I am also anti-vampire and anti-cannibal. For the record I am also opposed to unicorns, yetis, and swamp monsters. I am for leprechauns and against fairies. Wolfman and E.T. are ok pending a more thorough evaluation. I like to keep an open mind, lest someone call me a bigot.

But he is a really sharp dresser, which makes him a fabulous fabulist.

No, not the school nurse; don’t be silly. We should send all children of locker room attending years to Mike Huckabee. After an extensive verbal and physical exam, he can determine who should be allowed into each locker room, and who should have to skip gym class and go to chapel instead to ask God for better biology.…