Definition: Tone Deaf - What the NFL just did here. Also the eye black thing. That works too.

I thought with all that legal weed around that Oregonians would be a lot more chill. I was wrong. I guess there are just some assholes that are clenched so tight that no bale of weed can get them to unwind. So sad. What a waste of legal weed!

How to be a bad judge: A Manual.

New headline:

So when did Donald Trump have time to get down to New Zealand? There can’t be two people on the planet that are that sexist, xenophobic and condescending.

Yeah, except that’s not what muck-raking is. This is just reporting. The thing which all the networks and papers should be doing. Instead, they are “informing the public” by showing that really cool video of the gator that got onto the golf course, or the bear that got after the bird feeder.

Miami Heat. Miami celebrities suck. Miami sucks. Florida sucks.

MLK said it best: let us judge a man (or woman) by the content of their character, not the color of their skin. Dear Greg Hardy, your character sucks rotten ass.

I am not going to argue that gambling on sports should be illegal, because I think adults should be allowed to play with their money.

I would have gone with chocolate pinnochio.

That wasn’t drug smuggling. That was just a little toot for the ride. Really helps with motion sickness on those windy mountain roads.

Goat’s milk ice cream?!? Who makes ice cream from goat’s milk? Whacha got against cows? Ben & Jerry seem to do ok with the cows (and sugar, not maple syrup).

The correct answer is “Not at all”. Do not watch these debates. It will make your soul ache and your ears bleed. Nothing good can come of it unless all 8 simultaneously grasp at their chests, spin around twice counterclockwise and collapse to the ground.

No Adolph Hitler ==> No World War II ==> George H.W. Bush doesn’t become a war hero ==> Bush family doesn’t become a political institution ==> I don’t have to run for president in 2016!!

Yeah, John Bobbitt was a real gem. After he got his schlong reattached, he had a short lived career in porn, showing off his wiener with the surgery scars on it. A role model for the ages.

That’s a sound theory. Would you bet your Little Johnny Thomas on it?

I nominate her second husband for the “Most Trusting Man Ever” award.

Wait, you can just catch people in lies and call them on it? Somebody better let Ben Carson know, because he has a very different idea about how this whole “truth” thing works.

Michelle Bachman is right. The end times are near, remaining days are few. Quick everyone convert to her particular brand of crazy, lest ye burn in Hades forever!

This is the most meta argument ever.