I just remembered a great one! Last month, my friend - who is the chillest, least confrontational, most mild-mannered person in the whole world - was visiting Israel and he ran into some German lady who was like, “Why can’t there just be peace?” My friend was all, “Yeah, totally” (my friend and I are both Jewish but…

Okay, here is my thing with burns....or snappy come backs, which they were once called. I cry. I cry when frustrated. I hate it. I’m quite sassy unless pissed off, then I cry. Ugh. Nobody knows how much I just burned in my head them, cause I am crying.

Waiting at the airport for a flight. There’s a line of about 10 people at the counter that were delayed from an earlier flight. Some dude pushes past the line and screams at the desk agent that, “(He) has to be on this flight! And it has to be first class!” Agent tells him that she can help him but he need to wait in…

Yeah, the actual reason for laws like that is to make life as miserable for the homeless as possible. Because conservatives tend to believe homeless people choose to live on the streets due to laziness, and that if we make it hellish enough for them it’ll motivate them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and…

I hope "be yourself in camouflage" involves the actors like, stripping away their horrible mid-90s preppy clothes (anyone have a picture of that handy?) to reveal the Realtree underneath.

If they were to ban all bans, it would indeed be very likely to be upheld by the courts, but it would not achieve their goal. They just want to limit certain behaviors and attitudes they disagree with and don’t actually want to take over the duty of governing local municipalities. It would just be too big a task, even…

I think they are trying to do it piecemeal: one law against fracking bans, one law against plastic bag bans, one law against basic human decency, etc.. I don’t think that if they passed one big law saying, “We don’t want none of that liberal, hippy, tofu-eating attitude in our state, now, ya hear?” that it would…

Don't make me have a dialogue around your leadership potential.

He gots 99 problems and Tidal is the $56 million 1.

You know what they say, consumer opinions ebb and flow.

lets hope the marketing team was the first to go

Certain Texas legislators feel we are on the road to being Californy-ied (forgive my spelling, that’s how I remember them pronouncing it on the radio). Some municipalities don’t want fracking in their neighborhood, some want to ban plastic bags, some have already passed ordinances forbidding discrimination against…

He’s streamlining resources to ensure talent is maximized to enhance the customer experience.

The newest target of sports writers cause celebre. She’s wronged them by being a woman and mean, and thus she must be ruined!

San Antonio is also very anti-homeless people.

I understand that you are pissed when your car is towed, but her shitty behaviour about how much better she is than everyone else is really what makes me angry to no end. So many problems that the world has is because people think they are better than others.
This woman is truly ugly.

Funny you should mention the ol’ floorshitter...

I heard she pooped on the floor once.