Fortunately this will never be needed in America because of our highly successful Abstinence Program.

You and I are kindred spurts and while I never feel like a rockstar just good about myself I am the same as you in every other way.

Oh for fuck’s sake. That’s awful. Anyone who assumes this is not someone you want in your life, obviously.

Joker, The men I really do want to have sex with seem to have no clue I want have sex with them. Then again I have zero game and horrible at flirting. The ones I don’t want to have sex with think I want them. Life is hard and I’m horrible at dating.

I got a sneak peak at the investigation form the Arkansas GOP recommends doctors use to comply with this law:

She should have been president...

Great news, but let’s see if they’re convicted.

Headlines don’t sell papes, Newsies sell papes.

Adding The Saint to list of movies I need to see, but haven’t. Thanks!

If you read everything Val Kilmer wrote like it came from a drunken Jim Morrison, it makes a lot more sense.

Everyone hates on Val Kilmer, but my kids and I loved him in Top Secret and Real Genius, and *sacrilege!* he’s our favorite Batman.

I prefer to remember my Val Kilmer as ‘Real Genius’ or ‘The Saint’ Val Kilmer. The current Val Kilmer iteration is just odd to me. Also I’ve fulfilled my discussion of Val Kilmer for the year. Thanks Bobby!

Uh, good points, but not enough emphasis on “non-desert.” Where I live (6000 feet altitude, humidity commonly at or below 30%) dehydration combined with altitude sickness can arrive so close after your sense of being thirsty that your thinking is muddled before you it sinks in that you need water. Especially with…

Its true, nobody wants to hear how happy anyone else is. All we wanna do is drink and watch “Schindlers List” while we listen to “Nine Inch Nails” forever.

When I am cooking dinner, I pretend I’m hosting my own Food Network show.

I’d like to remind people of my Feed Them to Sharks™ plan for dealing with rapists, killers, and child molesters. It’s a pretty simple plan:

I am all for “regular” bowel movements but spending the whole damn day hipchecking people out of the way to have some obscenely loud assplosion is a bit much.

Excuse me but I breastfed my three kids and now they all developed super powers, one of them flies, the other is invisible at will and the third one can climb walls and turn into a shadow.

I was googling opiate abuse and heroin addiction to go with this and I came across this article (I think I read it when it came out too) and just... fuck.

All I want is a store that sells basic cotton shirts, jeans with no sparkle on the butt and dresses with fucking pockets.