I’m 34. Just this year I pitched the dozen or so journals from high school that I’ve been hauling around forever. Mostly b/c my own children are old enough to find them and read them but really b/c they are so damn embarrassing.

Why is an atheist going to church? As an atheist, I feel very uncomfortable in church. And kind of disrespectful.

bourbon, honey, mandarin Orange spice tea. Boom! youre welcome.

OMG the essential oils. I saw a pin last night that claimed to have cured ovarian cysts with motherfucking essential oils.

oh. My . Dog.

there are at least 2 that I can think of.

LIGHT RED = PINK AND IS NOT THE FUCKING SAME AS CORAL.

my 9 year old wanted angry birds duck tape for Christmas . I couldn't find it anywhere except Michaels and then it was $8. For a roll of duct tape. I didn't get it and he hasn't noticed. I expect it to come up in a few weeks when he has a melt down about something completely unrelated.

I went to the Dollar Tree LAST WEEK to buy wrapping paper. There was already Easter shit out y'all. Fuckin' plastic eggs and bunny ears.

I'm stealing this.

Apart from children raised in a Scientology household (shudder), I really don't know how anyone is dumb enough to get suckered into a scam that is this transparently inane and phony.

I'm going to print this out and laminate it so that the NEXT TIME I totes eavesdrop on yuppies at whole foods, I'll have something to contribute that isn't a ten minute string of fucks.

having birthed 2 people, I can attest that labor is fucking horrible while it's happening. That's about all I can remember about it, nothing too specific. But it's been 8 years. So there is that.

Here's the thing: I've never really been clear about which guy I lost my virginity to. Let me clarify- I was dating the one dude at 16/17 and I wasnt super into him and he was always trying to get me to have sex with him. One night I consented b/c by then I was feeling like why not whatever lets do it. HOWEVER, What…

I've had a copper IUD for eight years. I was warned that the first couple of months up to a year would be awful. And they were- I was pretty sure, several times, that I was going to die. Cramps like labor and bleeding like a stuck pig; id always had pretty horrific periods before too so yeah, dying.

That's who I saw too!!

This is my new favorite thing ever and I cannot wait to use it in my real life:

My daughter has this game on her tablet. As far as I can tell, it repeats what she says? She mostly makes it say things about poop and her brother being dumb. She's 8.

I'm transforming leftovers into (mostly) other dishes so far away from Thanksgiving, no one will even notice. With the exception of a layered casserole type thing that we'll have on NYE.

nooooooooo! Don't say that. I've have a paraguard for almost eight years but I'm still paranoid as hell that I'll end up with 3 kids. For the record, I already have 2.