“You will meet Nelson Mandela, Mariah Carey and Elton John.”

This is basically the old Jack Benny joke. Thief says to the man, “your money or your life!” Man doesn’t move. “I said, your money or your life!”

Man, for an 11-year-old in a full-body leotard, he sure can shoot!

These are best read as short stories:

This gives me life on a miserable day of travel and sobriety.

‘E londed on his ass.

Sincere thanks.

I would very much like to understand this. I’ve got tussin in my brain and can’t think good. Pls help.

The video of the girl wincing when he goes to kiss her is better than I remember. At the beginning she’s flicking at him like he’s a bug she wants gone. Great stuff.

I’m currently researching how to get Ashley one of those MacArthur grants.

Drick Bernstine is a name that has it all. Familiar yet exotic; waspy yet Semitic; sacred yet profane. Anagrams to Inbred Kin Crest. Everything.

“You’ll ruin my radio career? How are you going to do that?”—and Sherman doubled down: “Video.”

I’d love to donate, but I’d like some assurance I won’t have to hang out with Eric Trump.

Reggie still is the straw that stirs the drink. It just so happens the drink is a diarrhea mocha latte and the straw is a peppermint ball hog.

Ehh, I suppose it’s her prerogative. She can do what she wants to do.

The Lions died today. Or maybe yesterday; I can’t be sure.

Good thing Minnesota doesn’t have one of those pesky Stand Your Ground laws, or these guys would really be in trouble.

Unsurprising take on the Redskins name, considering Jeff Amherst’s Native American—ummm—extermination policy.

Are you saying that bacco rat is not your man?

MEMORANDUM TO STANFORD BAND