Kirkland is fine, so long as it’s served in french porcelain.

Immediately. Including the seasonal folks. It’s why I’m there.

don’t be an idiot. who do you think would have to clean that up?

It is against medical advice to eat as much peppermint bark as I do. [groans]

This may come as a shock, but the overlap between deadspin readers and w-s staff is probably just me. I’ve showed it to a few people and they get it. Understanding that a lot of the inventory is ridiculous stuff for ridiculous people doesn’t exactly necessitate a higher level of consciousness.

You should be shocked and disappointed. We contract a guy to come once a month who is awesome and professional and who I use myself. A careless sharpener will use a machine that takes too much metal off the blade. Be wary of anybody who suggests you sharpen serrated blades or if you see someone running knives through…

Generally agree, but smaller cookware sets can sometimes have huge discounts over pieces and you won’t end up with things you don’t need. Always agree with knives: buy only what you need and dedicate the bulk of your budget on your chefs knife.

Oh fuck me. Yes, we are required to. I don’t, because I don’t care enough about the job to try to convince you to get a card. I’m the bad boy of the store, which is to say I’m a milquetoast weenie trying to keep you happy and our conversation light.

They are very handsome, but I’ve yet to use them. Probably fine for a toaster, but go for kitchenaid if you’re thinking stand mixer.

you know more than i did, kate! i learned about williebirds after shaking my head at that request. until that point, i just thought of a bunch of gobblers making a mess of the stockroom.

i’m not certain, but i believe so

I can! All-Clad stainless steel will last your lifetime. They come in a few flavors, the D5 (5 layers of metal) is the best bet. Fancier lines may have marginal cooking improvements, but in my estimation don’t warrant the price increase. Copper is lighter and a better conductor, but expensive as hell.

Laughing directly at people for consumer behavior is a sign of psychopathy. i am caring and empathetic.

nah. like other stores where there’s no commission, big sales are appreciated but there’s not a scoreboard or anything. if i’m recommending something, it’s because i think it’s really good. for example, if you want a blender, i will point you to the vitamix because it is awesome and the one half as expensive is a…

This an old-money WASPy establishment friend. No Norwegian mob ties, but a heavy dose of “we don’t talk about money because we have so much.”

We have to have a scent every day! if we’re not making samples, they’ll still be some gravy bubbling or rosemary or “essence” simmering.

A couple of weeks ago before thanksgiving, a guy asked for the whole display table. You know, plates, glasses, gravyboats, etc. Expensive, but not out of line. Then he made it clear that he wanted the actual table in the front of the store as well.

i prefer bullshitting with customers to doing work, so i encourage aimless shambling. i will be happy to make you coffee or cocoa and give you snacks if you don’t make me run to the back to lift something heavy off the top of a ten-foot wall.

The pay is shit, but the discount is really good. 40% off everything, electronics/knives excluded, but there is a window when they’re allowed.

Nope. Tasteful Christmas covers (vandross knockoff all I want for Christmas is you), contemporary lite rock, and, oddly, modern love by David Bowie