My favorite thing about this post is that you used the phrase "keep it classy" in the midst of NINE paragraphs about explosive diarrhea. Stay classy, Sheriff!

That is a woman worth marrying, I would have proposed with the dirty rags still in my hand.

Yeah, that was always the case! Seven years, yo.

YOU MEAN THIS ONE?

I am troubled that I don't find this the grossest story. What's wrong with me? Am I secretly super mega gross and nothing else comes close? I need counseling!

I think it'd work just as well just to invite a police officer in uniform over to scare the shit out of the child with their presence.

this made me laugh way more than it should have. i think it's the "i'm sooooo happy for you" that got me

I wouldn't call that falling. I'd call it missing a step.

Misleading headline is misleading. I expected something more like...

miley cyrus is obsessed with pizza tho

What does it say about me that that was my reaction to the high heels in time square NYE.

Fivesomes always look so fun and effortless in porn, what's absent: the whiskey dick issues (remember guys, don't get drunk before an orgy), the impromptu defensiveness (as in "this (guy or girl) is MINE, now stand the hell back!"), the guys realizing, "Aw crap, I don't my buddies to see my junk!," and the couch…

I want to high-five you for the next hour, this analogy is so spot on.

after drinking too many large French 75s that were mostly gin, I convinced myself I had accidentally dropped my only expensive piece of jewelry -a gorgeous Tibetan silver ring with two intricate ram heads in it- down a friend's toilet. Spoiler: I had taken the ring off at home and forgotten to put it back on.

This is the most cocaine of all cocaine stories. I love it.

Hmm...in my experience, fivesomes are like student group projects - two or three people do all of the good work, while the rest do a little busy work and then grow bored or lazy and later brag to their friends about feats they never did.

Oddly enough, Times Sq turned out to be the far more regrettable decision.

And now your screen name is explained.

For me, it's a tossup between Times Square in open toe heels or a fivesome without condoms.