No Kaleesi??

Pretty sure the reason I've decided not to have kids isn't because I'm grumpy.

There's no "and" in the phrase "Two Thousand Fourteen". Your invitations are ruined. Cancel the wedding.

Ugh, "Jayden".

Not a grump. Certainly not a misanthrope. I like humankind for the most part, but I just don't want kids of my own. (At the moment, but I'm currently not in a relationship and I have no desire to do the kid thing on my own.) I have two wonderful nieces that I love more than life itself and am constantly amazed at…

I wife and I adore our son, he never fails to make us happy. You grumpy misanthropes don't know what you're missing.

I feel like my mom could have wrote some of these. I feel like she never says anything nice about me and when she tells stories about me when I was little it's always about something annoying I did. Like not letting her sleep all day when I was 6. And then the other day she posted something on my Facebook about how…

Dear Mom,

Is he ... eating HAM? Beautiful.

Have you heard of the band Those Darlins? They're not metal, but they kind of remind me of punk-ish Dolly Parton.

Look, they even gave it the Hamm's large, unencumbered bulge...

He's serving total Cosby face.

I got tattoos without a thought as to what impact it might have on my employment opportunities. I must be really lucky because the impact has been exactly zero.

"She opened her top and showed them her boobs, which Jennifer says were completely covered in 'the most beautiful angels and beautiful butterflies and baskets of flowers in pastel-colored tattoos.'"

Apparently those of us with lady bits aren't supposed to like our meat rare, either. Once, after being asked, "how would you like your steak cooked?" I replied, "Still mooing." He took the time to explain to me what rare is, as though I'd be grossed out. He hadn't tried to educate my husband, so I don't get it.

'I need feminism because what is restaurant.'

And Lindy hits it out of the park, again. My favorite part:

As a former Florida Woman myself (I was raised in South Fla.) I have to say, this particular Florida Woman move was quite spectacular. This has to be right up there with the Florida Woman who called 911 because McDonalds ran out of Chicken McNuggets.

This is, like, sit-com material.