Fortunately he missed Dee’s nuts

Ted Pretty? More like Theodore Presentable, at best.

Other than a spot on the 40-man, $500,000, a $40,000 pension (if he stays on the roster for 43 days), full medical benefits...

Neighbors.

I mean, it was the engineers driving it, so they kinda did build it themselves.

Jeb Bush: Please clap.

No couple REALLY cues up an episode of Real Sex to get in the mood.

To be fair, it was a very stupid question. Do you really think Donald Trump watches hockey after what happened to his favorite team 37 years ago?

They’re getting the fuck out of the dugout since apparently that’s where the jackass is aiming with the bat flip.

“These people have awful names.”

I guess to understand it you’d have to look at what happens with Democrats actually in power vs. their stated platform.

I know it’s kinda specific, but Apocalypse Sow would have been the better name.

“Jam Time!” and “Airplane Mode!” are extremely bad dunk catch phrases

I swear you guys rip on me thirteen or fourteen more times, and I’m out of here.

I’d start with when you get punched in the face and they fall down.

Take another look. That wallet is 85% receipts and coupons.

F that, there needs to be a stigma for suicide. Unless terminally ill, you SHOULD feel like suicide is wrong. Normalizing it is idiotic.

I remember asking my father as a child (I think around 4th grade) why he never videotaped my school concerts or performances like the other parents (back in the day of giant camcorders, which we didn’t own). And he replied, “All week you’ve been complaining about this stupid concert, and now you want me to videotape…

I’m having a hard time figuring out which experience would have been more meaningless in your story.