I visited a Turkey Hole at a truck stop once. I won’t say which end I was on, but I will say I was very sleepy afterwards

Just what a cunning player of four dimensional chess would say!

“Truther is a moronic pejorative.”

They didn’t even ask the recipient to govern themselves accordingly. What are they even doing?

This here is why I come.

Did you hear that? All the Phillies are going to be masturbating with coconut oil next season.

Yeah, people finding examples of your recent work in the toilet is one thing, carrying it through the office is something else entirely. Humans aren’t designed to carry poops externally.

- The National Anthem before NFL games

Oh, sweet tapdancing Christ.

Morrow has more appearances in this postseason than he managed in the 2012, 2013 or 2014 seasons.

Not really.

The unfortunate flip side to so many mashed taters is a mound visit every 5 pitches to ask why so many taters are getting mashed.

I wonder if at some point he just starts shouting when he reads grocery lists aloud, too. “Eggs, Wheaties, apples, orange juice, milk, POWERADE! SEVENTH GENERATION! LIGHT BULBS! CAMPBELL’S SOUP! A NICE PIECE OF SALMON! canned tomatoes, soy sauce, spaghetti, butter.”

In Lucas’ defense that’s some on-point pre pubescent 80's stalking. Source: Someone I know.

You lose, fartface!

Yes, Irving must have known he’d be s-tartan trouble with those remarks.

What the fuck? How about we dress you up in catcher’s gear and put you behind a batter, then tell me how incentivized you feel to lean in and take some bats to the dome.

You should change your screen name to “Not Curious Enough”

The truly amazing part of this story is that it took a teenage boy more than four strokes to finish.

The go fuck yourself tee.