My life’s purpose is bigger than football.

How much longer until Deadspin starts covering eScorts?

We call it RoundPuck up here.

Sorry, I only have minor in Tittie Economics.

“Good job out there, Chemosabe.”

David Freese (He has a friend with a dog named Dave, so when they’re hanging out, he’s Davehuman. “It’s funny to, like, five people,” Freese said.)

He should have Czekaj’d himself before he Wzekaj’d himself.

Because they like team sports.

“Siri, who holds the Midwest League hitting streak record?”

Dude literally signed up to be a part of the circus, and then is like wtf mates I didn’t sign up to be part of the circus.

I am new to MMA and boxing, but I’ve really enjoyed it. It is amazing to me that these men seal their fists inside orbs of concrete and then spin around like tops inside the ring and when the concrete orbs smash against their opponent, pieces of the opponents body will just explode in a red spray of gore. But the…

I think “creamed jeans” already speaks volumes.

If it makes you feel any better, this is an actual Faberge clutch:

I always order coffee on a plane. Let me explain why.

THEN LOVE ME

Hey, I went to Duke (albeit not so briefly); do not make light of the struggle!!!!!!! It’s hard when regular, rational people wanna beat you up all the time :(

He’s not the player the Cavs’ want...but he may be the one they knee’d.

It’s pronounced Millie-wau-kay. Algonquin for “The Good Kinja”

Patrick has been fired for not referencing the extensive real-world history of ballistas being used to kill flame-breathing magical lizards the size of 747s.

Has anybody seen Ja Rule?