What a stupid tweet. Do they not realize how expensive mules are?

Football players are people?

maybe he's playing the original you idiot moron

"Horrifying diarrhea sludge" could refer to any number of Albert Burneko's food columns.

Other ways in which this investigation was awful:

That tag hasn't been used since John Wayne Gacy live-tweeted his basement remodel.

Wrestle over the Vessel

I believe coach when he said he didn't get violent. He's always been a proponent of turning the other him.

I'm digging the Bucs' new alternate uniforms.

CDC: Coach, we're from the Center for Disease Control. We'd like to do a once-over on the locker room after the team leaves. Are y'all close to departure?

Samer is from New Hampshire and is a Red Sox fan, you dope.

I realize this doesn't mean much to non-Sox fans, but I assure you, if it were any other team, the worst-to-first storyline would actually be pretty compelling. This is a team that was built to be not-loathsome, not with any real expectations to contend for... anything. Pretend they're another team and it's actually…

Yes. As a fan of the Red Sox, I am very butthurt. ;( <-This is me being butthurt.

Now if the Feds would only bring indictments against the Mariners' offense for all the wins they've stolen from Felix over the years.

Can we have one story that doesn't get twisted into a discussion of the end of the shutdown? Stick to sports!

Also, was the tongue too much?

Blargh. Thanks. Fixed.

Adrian Gonzalez threw up a pair of Mickey Mouse ears

Every single time, I read that US Mutant Ninja Turtles.

That is so dumb.