She probably refused to follow their Dance Moms accounts on Instagram.

cauterised it on the grill

Best reference ever.

Fan-fucking-tabulous.

My lasered removal site got infected, wouldn't heal, and there's now a permanently quarter sized divot in my leg - plus the remains of the tattoo, since obviously I won't be trying THAT again.

Placenta smoothie snobs are the only snobs worse than coffee snobs (but still not as douchey as wine snobs).

Someone has been watching too many foreign films, because *coughbullshitcough*

The whole "tell them how much I fuck you! Look what a stud I am!!!" schtick is very sad, in a micropenis kind of way (no judgment).

Ellen looks good for her age.

We are free from cancer - yay! But also without computer generated robot laser boobs - boo.

The kind of store that already has 17 year old HS drop out "managers", and thinks more of them would be awesum.

Oh my god how DARE you obliquely suggest she has robotic bewbs!

I love the people who shrieked in fear.

My kid took a part time job at a local pet supply box store. After a month, they told her she had management potential, and suggested she quit high school so they could promote her.

I live in Amish country, so I imagine a friend raising is similar to a barn raising - a bunch of Amish come over, swarm the two of you, give you matching mani pedis, load you up on episodes of STC, pour you a few glasses of Skinny Girl, and then tear off into the night in their buggies, friend raising accomplish.

I'm a horrible cynic about marriage, but this made me a little bit teary eyed.

Now I need a gif of Ariana Grande clawing her way out of Mariah Carey's vag. You just know that's going to end up being her origins story.

So, you're spanking your son so that he'll grow up, get fake tits, and blow older lawyers until one of them buys him a BMW?

So they can claw their way out of your uterus in a pinch.

It's the reconciliation America needs.