When he opens the trunk it sounds like someone tossing a toilet lid into a washtub. I can see why his friend is impressed.

Trump card.

Potato, Potahto.

Solid and reasoned advice, which I will surely take if I ever decide to make an approach. But honestly, I’m so grateful that I can go to this store and buy reasonably nice things for reasonably good prices, and have a warm interaction with the clerks (not just Ms. Amazing), that I don’t know if I’d ever want to risk…

TJ’s, sigh. One of the clerks at mine is amazing. Fortunately, I have normal self esteem, and thus I realize that she is only ringing up my Joe’s Os because she’s paid to…

“That’s Gustav Wind to you.”

So are we to assume that it’s also illegal to be lazing on a Sunday afternoon?

• “King of Anything” by Sara Bareilles

“I am second-gear curious.”

Once again we are reminded that a single, solitary spaceband stands between “casual ties” and “casualties”.

You kids can keep your Robin Thicke Blurred Lines crap. Give me some simple geometry, dammit! Also, get off my lawn.

What you need is an airbag airbag. Imagine a soft, protective cushion designed to protect you from harmful airbag shrapnel. It will have to be fairly powerful, so that it inflates slightly faster than the first airbag, of course.

Don’t worry, baby. It’s totally normal.

Pfft. WAR. What is it good for?

I guess I’ve been misusing “respect”.

“Eh. No one’s mother was hurt.”

See, this is my Apocalypse Vehicle. Not the one I’d drive after the apocalypse: the one that causes it.

Relevant.

To be fair, when you buy from a dealership named Ben Dover/Phil McCavity Chrysler, this is what happens.