So I was going to say, “This is why I stuck to dogs” (plus, you know, being chronically single), but then remembered that I read an article awhile back about divorce lawyers who specialize in pet custody issues, and rich people who charter private jets every week to fly their pets back and forth because they moved far…

Every year “Hey, what are you doing for Christmas?” Almost every year my reasponse is ‘nothing’ and people always act like it’s so sad and make me offers that I never take up. I think they are secretly jealous and they just want me to be as stressed out and irritated as they are :-).

For the record, I’m refusing to spend Christmas with Madonna as well.

My brother did this but came back outside and started playing again while my mom was gardening. So a bit later 2 cop cars roll up and he just denied denied denied to the point where my mom was like “well who else?!” And he goes “maybe somebody sneaked in and called”.

Capybaras are awesome! They give the best side eye, too.

Yeah, but sometimes it’s kinda fun to embarrass them, especially when they are teenage boys.

Rocco = REBEL HEART

Hahahaaaa! 😂

This happened to me! I had a group presentation due and sent out 5 emails trying to pin down a meeting time. The only people who responded were the women. The men didn’t even bother with a single confirmation that they GOT my emails. Pissed me right off.

This makes me so sad. I wish I could send her a check right now. Which is weird because my normal stance is that people suck and I only give money to the animals.

All religions suck.

I was raised Catholic and am now an atheist. Every now and again when I’m really depressed, I think for a minute about finding a local social justice-oriented congregation nearby because the ritual, etc. is actually very soothing to me but then I remember how much the Church hates women and I’m like NOPE and go on a…

They showed him a picture of all the Kardashians, told him Khloe is the one that belongs to him, and now he conveniently can’t remember anything?

I remarked to my girlfriend after she heard about this story that “if I ever get that kind of brain damage from anything, please, pull the plug. I don’t want to survive that.”

To which she said “if I found out you got brain damage after a night in a whorehouse, I’d gladly pull the plug.”

I tell my dog that she’s the prettiest lady in all the land every single day. But only because it’s true!

You know what I love about that line? It was clearly pre-written, yet not very biting. And it was needlessly insulting to the French. That part just makes me chuckle. That part added nothing to the quip. He could’ve just said the Senate is a part time job. The nativist bs was perfunctory. Here’s this lame jab I have…

“Literally, the Senate, what is it, like a French work week, you get like three days where you have to show up?”

I, for one, am glad that this primary season has taught me that no matter what ridiculously provably-false string of nonsense comes out of my mouth, e.g. “I truly feel that the greatest threat to our country is the return of the space aliens who emerged from my penis in 1965 to build the Washington Monument to…